Astute as Fuck

I was parked at a set of meters in the East Village right before going inside the salon to get my hair cut.  It was 7:55am.  I was holding a giant coffee in one hand as i stood at the set of meters in front of me and plugged an hour and a half worth of coins (just in case!) into the right-side meter.  I tripped as i hurried my way across the street, saving my coffee (phew!), and curtsied in case anyone saw that.

An hour later when i came out, i noticed a parking ticket on my windshield.  I stared at it in a "WTF Moment" for a split-second before i imagined myself plugging those coins.  I truly closed my eyes and pictured the moment i dropped coins into the right-side meter.

*SIGH*

I was parked at the left-side meter.

I grab the paper and envelope and plop down into the driver seat.  I stare down at my $15 parking ticket. I look up at the Volkswagen that was parked at the fully-paid-meter in front of me, then back down at the parking ticket.

"Motherfucker."

As i start the car i think, You’re welcome, Volkswagen. #payitforward

ADVENTURES IN YARD WORK

I arrived home about noon.  I ate some lunch and before going back outside to do yard work, I smoked a bit.

I grabbed the yard bin with the green lid and tried to drag it across the lawn by the bar that the waste trucks use to lift the bins.  It wasn't working, so I opened the lid and proceeded to tip it back on its wheels to push it.

Since the lid was open when I tipped the bin back towards me, I ended up stepping on the lid with one foot - which trapped the other foot under the lid.

I lost complete control of everything.  In that moment, it was one impact to my body after another, as I came crashing down.  With every blow to my bones, I kept wishing it would be the last.  Finally, my skull hit the bin wall and I was laying INSIDE the bin.  I stayed there.  

A neighbor came running outside, she saw the whole thing.  As she was trying to help me up, out of sheer embarrassment I asked, "Did you get that on video?"

I DO LOVE IT HERE

I got everyone to leave.  Finally, i was alone.  My possessions, many boxes, strewn about the hallway, the living room, the bedroom, and the kitchen.  I was ready to organize and setup my new living quarters.

I started with the furniture that i could move on my own.  I got all of my books shelved.  When i got to unpacking, and had most of my clothes put away, there was a knock on my back door.

There stood a blonde, young, portly man holding a beer in one hand, and a potted plant in the other.  Through the screen door his voice boomed;

"HI! I'm Randy.  I want to welcome you to the neighborhood."  

I can smell the Coors.  This wasn't his first one.  I open the door; he hands me the plant.

I'm shocked and very touched as i say "Thank you so much!"  
I introduce myself as i place the plant on the countertop.  

"So do you need help with anything?" he asks while casing my place from the doorway.  
"No, no.  I'm just unpacking."  Randy insists that he could help with unpacking.  
"No, thank you." I insist back.  "I'm very anal about where i want stuff, i need to do this alone."  
Randy tries to re-insist, but i kindly decline once more before he tells me,
"Well, i juss wanted to welcome you to our neighborhood and if you need anything, anything, girl let me know."  I thanked him again, and assured him that i would do just that.

After shutting the door, i was relieved to continue my organizational quest, and also in giggles over the silly-drunk exchange.  Immediately, he became my favorite neighbor, even though i hadn't met anyone else yet.

I barely got the rest of my clothes put away when came another knock at my back door.  There stood the same blonde, young, portly man holding a beer in one hand, and a potted plant in the other.  He opens the screen to hand me the second plant.  

"HI! I'm Randy.  I juss wanted to say 'Welcome to the neighborhood.'  You're going to love it here.  Ohmygawd, it'ss sooo nice here.  Do you need anything?  Do you need help with anything?  Do you want a beer?"  

I shake my head no. 

"Okay, well, girl - let me know if there's anything i can do.  Welcome to the neighborhood!  Byeeeee!"

I set the second plant on the counter-top next to the first one.  Both succulents.  Like Randy.

ROTTEN

In the back of Mrs. Olson's fifth grade class, Trent Nuzum and i tried very hard to stifle our giggles as we farted and wafted our stink onto each other.  In the back of that class, Trent and i conspired to capture our farts in jars and release the contents onto our siblings, and other enemies.

We had completed an experiment on osmosis some time that spring.  We all brought an egg to class and soaked it in vinegar while recording the visual changes.  For days, Mrs. Olson would remind Trent to take his egg home.  It had gotten so large, it nearly popped out of the container.  We were afraid to open it.

Trent and i lived on the same street, so over the years, we sometimes walked home together.  Though, in fifth grade, we walked home together quite often.  The day Trent finally remembered to take his Osmosis Egg out of the classroom, we were walking through the usual alleyways.  It was sunny and warm and i remember school was almost done for the year.  I recall this fact because what transpired next made me grateful that we wouldn't be walking down that alley again until the fall.

Trent took the lid off the egg container - the sulfuric-vinegary powerful stench raping our nose hairs with hot stink - Trent drew his arm back, holding the container tightly, and launched the contents onto the wall of a house.  It made contact with the siding up near a window, but i couldn't tell you how big of a mess it made because we ran.  We ran without being able to stifle our giggles.

 

MARJORIE

The nurse shut my brother's door so he could pee before I took him away with me. I'm propped up against the wall in the hallway. The door beside me opens and out pops a lady's white-haired head.  She's about 5'1" maybe, and she's just leaning her top half out the door and asks, "Did you need me?"

Me: "Nope. I'm just waiting for my brother."

I point to his door. 

Lady: "Oh good. I like him."

I smile at her. 

Lady: "I'm just in here watching TV. Got tired of sticking to the chair."

Me: "That sounds uncomfortable."

Lady: "Yep. So what did you need me for?"

Me: "Nothing, I'm here to pick up my brother."

Lady: "Oh. Okay."

She comes out a little further and I can see she's wearing only a shirt. 

A nurse passes by and says, "Marjorie, I assume you'll be eating in your room today."